This article by Emma Green in the Atlantic came to my attention today from my good friend, smart cookie, and kink affirmative counselor Dulcinea Pitagora. After reading it I have to think she’s right in her assessment that, to date, this is the best thing I’ve read on all the hubabaloo now that the movie is being released. The article is a long one (I read it on a mobile device…so don’t come back to me with page numbers), but its arguments are well written, clearly defined and contextualized historically. If kink is going to go more mainstream…maybe you as a true kinkster and potential emissary should be practiced or at the very least familiar in those arguments so you can shut down any potential stupid coming out of… say, your obnoxious coworker’s divorced second cousin’s mouth at the annual picnic and prevent them from infecting those you care about.
Read, like, share, repeat…in no particular order.
What is a fantasy? From Freud to Ludacris, it’s been an elusive idea, suggesting both an escape from reality and an expression of hidden desire. In culture, fantasy works like a mirror: It reflects who we are, but it also shapes what we become.
Love it or despise it, American culture’s sexual fantasy of the moment is Fifty Shades of Grey. Since Random House bought the rights to the trilogy in 2012, the series has sold well over 100 million copies worldwide. Trailers for the movie adaptation of the first book have been viewed 250 million times, according to an ad aired in early February; it’s expected to gross at least $60 million at the box office in its opening weekend.
And that means the Fifty Shades fantasy is about to become all the more influential. Yes, the story will likely reach an even larger audience, but more importantly, it will be told in a new, visual form. When the movie comes out, the Fifty Shades version of hot, kinky sex will become explicit and precise, no longer dependent upon the imaginations of readers. Early reports say the movie shows at least 20 full minutes of sex, although it’s only rated R.
The story is… keep reading…
If you’ve ever presented me with a smoothly shorn ass, you know exactly how much I’ve appreciated your efforts. The same goes for the back of your neck.
Here’s a great guide from a Reddit user on how to clean up your act without looking like you’re moonlighting drag queen.
***[I]n most environments/cultures men don’t bother [with their grooming] and the baseline of what’s expected has drifted way down.
This actually offers a *huge* advantage to any guy that wants to give a shit about his appearance. You say that women have an unfair advantage… but women actually have it really shitty. Having your hair done, being well dressed, and having your makeup on is *expected* of women. If you don’t do those things as a women people think you look sickly and you don’t have your shit together. The bar for personal care is so much lower for men that doing just about anything above the bar makes you look like a god damn super star.
I won’t even give you abstract examples, I’ll give you examples of things that I personally do that 99% of the men I know don’t (and I get mother fucking compliments hand over fist from women for it).
* Take care of your skin. Use good cleansers, use alpha-hydroxy wipes to break down sebaceous filaments (those look-like-tiny-black heads-but-aren’t things on your nose and upper cheeks), moisturize, use sun screen so you don’t look like an old shoe. /r/SkincareAddiction for more info.
* Groom your eyebrows. For fuck sake everyone *groom your fucking eyebrows*. This doesn’t mean waxing them so you look like a drag queen or a damn chola, it means plucking between your eyebrows, plucking lightly under and above them to get rid of those stray freakish hairs. Don’t shape your eyebrows, that’s feminine. Just clean around the natural shape of your eyebrows so that they look sharp and defined and not like a caterpillar slowly melting into your face.
* Buy clothes in the right size, in a flattering cut, and get your shit tailored. I’m a slender guy. I look ridiculous in your typical fat-guy-American cut dress shirts, like a kid wearing his father’s shirt for a bad job interview. You need clothes that fit. Nobody wants to see somebody in a suit that looks like they stole it from their Andrea the Giant size grandfather.
* Have a sense of style. I have a *distinct* style. It isn’t about exactly what my style is, it’s about having a style, a personal mark. If you showed somebody a photo of me with the head completely blacked out, they’d know it was me.
* Have a scent. Don’t wear some bitch ass body spray like a high school boy. Whether your signature scent is the aftershave you use or a cologne doesn’t matter. Have a heavier winter scent and a lighter summer scent. Experiment until you find one that works well with your body chemistry.
* Stand up straight. Seriously, this is grandma-level-1 advice, but stand-the-fuck-up-straight. Shoulders back, gaze level, etc. People with good posture and a strong gaze dominant the room.
* Get a good hair cut. Either have a damn good old school barber or go to a salon. I’ve been getting my hair cut at a salon since I was a teenager. The difference between shitty haircuts and good haircuts is about $200 or so a year. $200 a year is a small price to pay to not look like you were raped by a Flowbee.
* Shave your neck. The *back* of your neck. Don’t wait 4 weeks to go back to your barber/stylist to have the carpet that is slowly growing down from your hairline to your shoulders managed. That neck fuzz guys get between haircuts looks awful. A simple pass over the area in the shower once or twice a week will keep it looking neat.
* Take care of your hair. Almost every guy I know just buys whatever shampoo is on sale when they’re (also) buying their frat boy body sprays. Don’t do that. Buy a quality shampoo and conditioner suited for your hair style. You want compliments on your hair? Good hair cut, good hair products.
* Speaking of hair, know how the hell to manage facial hair. Either you shave it clean (and properly, see /r/wicked_edge) or you trim it right. Unkempt facial hair is hideous. It looks like sprawling pubes devouring your face. I have a beard. I keep my upper cheeks and neck clean shaven. I clip my beard every few days by doing an upward pass through the beard with a #2 guard (1/4″) and then a downward pass with a #1 guard (1/8″). I get at least a few compliments a week on my beard and they’re almost always along the lines of “I really don’t like beards on men, but your beard looks great… what do you do so I can tell my boyfriend/brother/dad/son?”
* Get a good looking watch. Not necessarily an expensive watch… a good looking watch. Since we’re talking office environment, this means no watches that look like you forgot to take them off after coaching a track team, climbing a mountain, or going on a deep sea dive. This also means no watches that are popular among school age boys. You should be wearing a respectable looking and subtle watch that doesn’t look like a plastic piece of shit, a piece ripped off a boat’s navigational spread, or a god damn hub cap from Pimp my Ride.
* Speaking of the general region of the wrist and hands… take care of your hands and nails. Most guys have disgusting hands. Moisturize your dry ass hands. Clip and properly shape your nails. Clean under your nails. No woman is attracted to a man with filthy hands and a cesspool of smegma and bacteria under his nails. That screams “he’s going to fingerbang me into having a horrible vaginal infection”. Push your cuticles back. If you have heavily ridged nails that make you look like an old coke head, polish them down with a buffer once a week. You’ll get really healthy looking nails without looking like you’re getting manicures all the time or wearing nail polish. Even if you don’t take this section seriously, at minimum: moisturize your hands and clean that shit out from under your nails.
* Enough about your hands. Take care of your feet. I know, I know. You asked about office apparel. What does taking care of your feet have to do with that? Most men have feet that *fucking stink*. Most men also don’t take *care* of their feet… so they stink. You need to exfoliate your feet. Keep a pumice stone or similar tool in the shower. Use it to rub the dead skin off your feet a few times a week (or every shower, really). You’ll be absolutely revolted at how much dead skin comes off. That’s what the bacteria eat. Your shitty ass dead-skin-covered feet are like an Old Country Buffet for bacteria. The more you exfoliate and clean your feet, the less nasty they’ll be. Don’t be the guy in the meeting that’s smelling the joint up.
* On the topic of feet and smelling the joint up… learn how to properly take care of your shoes. Don’t wear the same pair of dress shoes to work every day until they disintegrate. They’ll smell. They’ll never air out properly. The leather will suffer. Buy a few pairs. Rotated them. Let them breath. Polish them. Put cedar trees in them to keep them smelling fresh. You might not give a shit about shoes, but other people notice.
Now… that all seems like a lot. You said you don’t have an extra hour before work every day. You don’t need an extra hour before work every day. I hardly spend anymore time on my daily grooming than your average guy… I just do it more efficiently. Just get in the habit of taking care of yourself. Switch from a shitty bar of soap to a quality facial cleanser. When you’re looking in the mirror while you’re brushing your teeth and you notice a stray hair on your brow, pluck it out. When you’re in the shower contemplating the universe, scrub the nasty ass callouses off your feet. When you’re shopping for clothes, leave it in the store unless it fits and flatters you (or you’re willing to pay someone to make it fit and flatter).
All those little changes add up and suddenly you’re dapper as fuck.
Statistics for BDSM provided by the Kinsey Institute. Link at bottom.
- •BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Domination/Submission, Sadism/Masochism.
- •In a small sample there were no significant differences between BDSM practitioners and the general population on measures of psychopathology, depression, anxiety, OCD, and psychological sadism and masochism. (Connoly 2006)
- •A study looking at message board posts found 71% of heterosexual males but only 11% of heterosexual females and 12% of homosexual males prefer a dominant role when engaging in sexual bondage. (Ernulf, 1995.)
- •The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, a national organization committed to supporting the equal rights of consenting adults who practice forms of alternative sexual expression, conducted an informal survey of SM practitioners in 1998-1999. Some survey results are available on the NCSF website, and indicate that SM practitioners may be at greater risk for harassment, violence, and damage to property.(NCSF, 1999)
- •5-10% of the U.S. engages in SM for sexual pleasure on at least an occasional basis (Lowe, 1983).
- •12% of females and 22% of males reported erotic response to a SM story (Kinsey, Martin, Gebhard, 1953).
- •55% of females and 50% of males reported having responded erotically to being bitten (Kinsey, Martin, Gebhard, 1953).
- •14% of men and 11% of women have had some sexual experience with sadomasochism (Janus & Janus, 1993).
- •11% of men and 17% of women reported trying bondage (Lowe, 1983).
- •90% of men and 86% of women have had sex in the past year
- •27% of men and 19% of women have had oral sex in the past year
- •23% of men and 11% of women have bought X-rated movies or videos
- •10% of men and 9% of women have had anal sex in the past year.
For more interesting stats on Americans’ sex lives from the Kinsey Institute click here.
A dry enema is an alternative technique for cleansing the human rectum either for reasons of health, or for sexual hygiene. It is accomplished by introducing a small amount of sterile lubricant into the rectum, resulting in a bowel movement more quickly and with less violence than can be achieved by an oral laxative.
It is called “dry” by contrast to the more usual wet enema, because no water is used.
A rudimentary form of ‘dry’ enema is the use of a non-medicated glycerin suppository. However due to the relative hardness of the suppository – necessary for its insertion into the human body – before the glycerin can act, it must be melted by the heat of the body, and hence it does not take effect for up to an hour. Often the hygroscopic glycerin irritates the sensitive membranes of the rectum resulting in forceful expulsion of the suppository without any laxative effects.
A quicker form of the dry enema utilizes the injection of a small amount of water-based lubricant such as K-Y into the rectum via a non-hypodermic syringe, such as an oral syringe, or from some other source.
The usual amount of lubricant applied is about 2 tsp (10 cc), which will produce a movement in 30 minutes or less. The movement will be produced in a compact body, rather than in the more copious liquid form produced by a wet enema; and since no water is used, none will be retained higher up in the colon, to be expelled at some later, and presumably, inconvenient time.
A further advantage of this technique for sexual hygiene is that any slight remaining traces of fecal material will – due to the presence of the lubricant – tend to adhere to the wall of the rectum rather than to any foreign object which may subsequently be inserted.
I had told my slave it would be unfair of me to expect him to fulfill all of my fantasies. He insisted that he wanted to try. Being young and new to all of this he has a real gung-ho attitude about everything. I find it charming, and part of me rather likes teaching him his lessons.
He was so adamant with his devotions, ticking off my different fantasies that he wanted to help make come true. He kept mentioning one in particular- peppers in his penis. The first half dozen times he mentioned it I would just smile and pat his head or give him a kiss, knowing full well he didn’t really understand what he was offering himself up for. He thought it would be rough, but didn’t really know how rough.
Last night I met up with a girlfriend to help her dye her hair. After picking up the dye we stopped off to pick up dinner. I ordered a Caliente Burger with jalapenos, not even thinking about the fact that he was coming over that night to serve me. I ended up picking most of them out of my burger as they were rather large chunks and far too many of them. I set aside what I didn’t finish so that he could eat it later and set about dying my friend’s hair. I like having him eat my scraps.
When he arrived he set about his usual chores. Tidying up the kitchen, clearing the table and washing the dishes while she and I enjoyed the True Blood finale. As good as the show is, I find him much more entertaining so I joined him in the kitchen and told him to strip. I fixed him with a leather collar and a 2.5” leather ball stretcher and got the scraps from my dinner. As soon as I opened the container he knew what was coming. I couldn’t help but share his excitement and anticipation, although I dare say we felt them for very different reasons. I pulled off a single seed, the tiniest bit of flesh coming with it, slid it into his virgin piss hole, and stepped back to watch.
“Amazing.” I commented, as his limp dick began to harden. In my mind I was laughing uncontrollably and thinking ‘Just you wait! You like that little warmth now, but just you wait!’ In mere moments he was rock hard and started to get flushed. The warm tingle beginning to transform into a blistering heat the likes of which he had never felt before.
Grabbing him by his balls I led him to kneel by the foot of my bed. Grinning ear to ear at his growing confusion and pain I teased him mercilessly with soft caresses. “I think you should have to cum it out.” I told him. “Masturbate.” Which he did, feverishly. As the heat began to blister in his dick sweat began to bead all over his chest, back, and forehead. He stared at me with those desperate puppy eyes of his, mouthing breathless I love you’s, his cock still magically hard despite everything.
My girlfriend had been in the bathroom rinsing her hair, and when she came out she just laughed and said “I love coming over to your house,” sitting on the bed beside me to enjoy the show. We watched with rapt attention as his muscles began to shake and beads of sweat were falling freely down his long frame. I can scarcely imagine how much it must have been burning- that one innocuous little seed. “I told him he’d have to cum it out. What do you think? Should we let him?” She didn’t miss a beat before saying a firm no. He might have fainted at her words had I not grabbed him by his collar and removed his hand from my cock. I knew he had gone far beyond what he was really capable of and only sheer determination to impress me kept him from thrashing around and screaming like a banshee. “Would you like it to stop now?” I asked him, licking some of the sweat from his face and pinching his nipples. “Yes” whimper, “please” was all he could get out.
I left him in a crumpled crying heap on the floor as I went to the kitchen to find some yogurt (much harder to find than usual as he’s been doing all the cooking and cleaning lately). As I massaged the cool yogurt into his aching piss hole and placed his pecker in a small bowl of cold milk I couldn’t help but love my little slave all the more for being true to his word and happily suffering anything for my pleasure. And I named it Pepper Dicking.
Even more kudos for my slave for doing this a second time for a video. That time I made him cum it out.
This won’t be the last time I do this…
Referring once again to my favorite site of the day www.keptforher.com I’d like to refer all gentlemen to a particular page on their site with good information as far as Hygiene, Manners, Leadership, and Romance. It’s written in a format quite appealing to submissive men. While not all points will be applicable to everyone, I’m sure most women would appreciate you reading it carefully.
I had just finished a session and was zipping up my boots when tragedy struck! The zipper on my favorite pair of tall leather street boots broke! Fortunately all was not lost as my rope bag was nearby and in five minutes I was tied and ready to head home.
I had a lot of funny looks along the way… but I didn’t have any trouble getting where I needed to go. Hooray for rope!
I responded to a post on MaxFisch recently on this subject, and I’ve got quite an opinion on what the original poster asked so I’m reposting the thread here.
What do you think about his questions?
VegasRed: An article for discussion …
Would a more complete sexual education including sadomasochism made a difference in the quality of your adult life ?
In general would society benafit from a more elaborate sexual education in the teen age years ?
Mme Sade: I’m sure I will amend after I’ve read the article as it will no doubt be thought provoking, but my first response to your questions are no, and compared to what I got- without a doubt.
I don’t think schools should be teaching children about specific sexuality choices so much as an openness to their existence and practice. They should teach them, explicitly, about safe sex practices, sexual health and hygiene, the emotional maturity of sex, family planning and reproduction, the power of choice, rape, sexual harassment, respect, dating expectations, and maybe even how to recognize signs of sexual predators.
A sexually responsible child and young adult is a well informed one. I am not expert enough in child psychology to state as to whether being better educated would increase or decrease any young adult sexuality statistics. I know that the internet is never going to child-proof the search engines and no one inherently knows every question they should be asking one.
Just as much as boys need someone to tell them how to flirt, what makes a good date, and how to communicate desires with a girl; girls need someone to tell them they can say no, how to recognize they may be in danger (drunk without a guardian angel at some party perhaps and the date is coming on too strong), what is inappropriate flirting and behavior from a co-worker or boss (I’ve been sexually harassed by 7 out of 10 bosses and in every single work place I’ve ever been in. It took me a few jobs to figure out what exactly was bothering me so bad to leave a job I liked), and to tell her that she can be sexually active without being ashamed.
I think the students should believe with all their heart that they can ask their sex-ed teacher about anything they want. I think the sex-ed teacher should be supportive of them learning about whatever they’re sexualizing (homosexuality, transgenderism, BDSM, whathaveyou), or helping them to find the appropriate counselor to guide them.
I think the boys should be encouraged to carry condoms at all times to develop good habits (whether they or their friends may need it at an urgent moment).
I think sex ed should start the year before puberty generally takes place, and the content should grow with the students every year until graduation.
I think the students should have free access to contraceptives and information packets that are located in discreet places.
My mandatory sex-ed class my sophomore year didn’t answer a single question I had about safe sex, family planning, or emotional sexual relationships. The teacher was one of the sports coaches I didn’t know, and she didn’t exactly make me feel like I could ask her anything she would know or approve of. The safe sex class was one day, and it terrified us. Sex was described as a sin as we were forced to memorize all kinds of incurable and easily contractable venereal diseases. All my sex advise came from my more promiscuous friends (most of whom ended up pregnant before graduation or soon after). I was sexually active with my high school sweetheart my last two years, and it wasn’t until after graduation that I learned it was possible to have a latex allergy and there were even special condoms for people like me. All we learned about was abstinence, latex condoms, and oral contraceptives. No sponges, no spermicides, no diaphragms, no cervical cups, no IUD’s, no female condoms, no rhythm cycle. I suffered painful burning after almost every sexual experience for two years because they left me ignorant.
Look at me now. I’m a lucky one.
Monday, August 9, 2010